grace upon grace

I am tired. So tired. I am at my end. With school, with figuring out my life. With having to wear pants. I am over it all. I am over trying to be a functioning adult. It seems like a waste. I want to do great things, big, world changing things but some mornings I can’t even remember to put on deodorant. So much goes into being a functioning member of society that I am destined to fail at something. Why even bother? I am tired and desperately asking God for energy, stamina and some grace.

As I have been seeking God in the midst of this exhaustion, the phrase 'Grace upon grace' repeatedly echoes in my mind. I am weak and I fail often but I have been lavished with grace upon grace in even the darkest corners of my dusty heart. When I feel as though I cannot possibly overcome, multiple times a day, I pray for an ounce of grace. But the thing about grace is there is no ration. No quota. No Grace threshold that we have to be careful not to cross. God gives free refills on his Grace. It’s marvelous.

God does not go about handing out small amounts of Grace, afraid he may run out or stumble upon another sinner who needs the Grace much more. Grace is not withheld from anyone who asks for it. God is generous and his grace is bountiful. When I feel I need just a small amount of grace to push me over the finish line- God covers me with grace upon grace upon grace. In the emptying hallow moments where I am sure I cannot endure another second I need not to reach inside myself for strength, I reach out to him. He covers it all for me. I get to rest in his shadow and dance in his light because of the unending, healing power of his grace. I try desperately to never fail and inevitably I do but I am a sinner saved by grace and every day I am renewed by that same grace.

If you are tired too. If you are done. Weak. Imperfect. Struggling. Call to Him. He has never ending, free flowing Grace upon Grace upon Grace for you tired, imperfect heart. Rest in him and his free refills of Grace.

 

Devotions and consistent quiet times have always been a source of frustration for me. I know, I know, that sentence in itself seems wrong. Devotions are supposed to be just that: a quiet, sacred time devoted solely to God. A time to worship him and hear from him. However, my ADHD mind races 500 miles a minute. One second I am praying the next I am thinking about why donuts have holes. I have literally tried every possible thing in an attempt to find a method that is both worshipful and keeps my attention. Unexpectedly, pinterest saved the day. Literally one blog post was a complete game changer for me. I came across an intriguing pin called "Bible marking + Journaling 101" . Her system is little more developed than mine (she's been doing it for years) and hers is a littler be different but the basic concept is there. 

Bible Marking as she calls it is a way to mark specific verses, words or concepts that stick out to you. For me, it kept me engaged and helped what I was reading 'come alive' in a sense. I am a visual and kinesthetic learner so seeing different themes and concepts in color helps me make connections and interact with the Word. I started out of curiosity one afternoon in a bible I am pretty sure I my mother let me borrow. As I ventured further into it I also did some research. I came across numerous different keys and methods of bible journaling. I did not find one specific way that fit my own so I did as the author of the blog post above mentioned and made my own. 

My key: I started out (as mentioned in the post I linked) with a few concepts. Two were hers (Christian living and marriage) The others were my own (God's promises and Prayer, etc.) I added words or themes which are significant to me as I ventured further into different passages. My 'key' is still developing and likely will change. 

Taking it deeper: I also take the verses that stick out to me and enter them into a commentary to tear apart the verse a little bit and dig deeper into the meaning. I journal/document the things that stick out to me (this is shown in the first picture).  

Materials I use: 

• Bible
• Spiral bound sketchbook
• Color pencils (I use the erasable kind)
• Index card
• Anything else that suits your fancy!

I went with colored pencils because I did not have to patience to wait until I could get out to get bible highlighters that wouldn't bleed. I also use some colored pens and pencil if I want to write in the margins. I prefer to write in a journal unless I feel it's very significant because my handwriting stinks. 

I do not claim that this method is my original idea, that it will work for everyone or that is is the best way. However, it is the best way for me! These last few weeks that I have done it have been the most consistent devotion/quiet times I have ever had.

Here are some of the resources I used after starting this method to help develop my key:

1) http://fms-help.com/biblecoloring
2) http://womenlivingwell.org/2014/09/good-morning-girls-bible-study-journal-amazing/

I'm sure an update will come soon at I continue this!

How do you do devotions? What are your favorite methods?

God redeems everything.

'Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."

Who I have been and who I am now. I have always wrestled with how my mistakes fit into the person I am today. They are not who I am today but I cannot deny that they have molded my character and decisions. In my lowest moments I find myself identifying with the most unforgivable parts of myself. Deciding that because I have done bad, I am bad. In these moments, I beg God to fill me with the truth that reminds me I am redeemed because I am his. I find comfort in the Word that tells me there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

How beautiful is that? You cannot undo what has already been done but you are free from it. You cannot rewrite the past, nor should you want to. Grace does not erase the past, it erases the shame. You can no longer be condemned and you can no longer condemn yourself. Recently, I lost sight of this beautiful fact and allowed myself to identify with the past and condemn what has already been forgiven. In a simple exchange with a friend I found a powerful reminder.

"I suck at relationships." I stated clearly and concisely with as much fact as the grass is green. 2+2=4 and Emily sucks at relationships. Those are the facts of life. I went on, "I suck at relationships. I am just bad at commitment and the work that goes into relationships. It has always been this way." My friend did not for one minute allow me to send out the invitations to that pity party. Instead she dropped truth in the form of a text message:

"God redeems everything. Even your past. Nothing remains untouched."

A simple declaration of God's redeeming power. Those words struck me right in my little heart. It spoke to me in more ways than the sender knows. She thought she was speaking into the current thoughts I was wrestling with regarding dating. It was more than that. 

I allowed myself to soak in that message as truth about all areas of my life. God redeems everything. All of it. Nothing remains untouched. Honestly, I imagined God coming through with a broom sweeping up broken glass, calmly shaking hands with people I cut off in traffic, apologizing to that girl in 10th grade I called ugly and cleaning up every metaphorical mess I ever made. I was also slapped in the face with every single time I limited God's redeeming power by assuming it was not enough to cover my sin. Somehow God has a way of coming in and clearing up the mess we've been tirelessly trying clean up to ourselves. As I have been searching through my little soul lately to decide who I am and who I want to be and unrelenting thoughts of past events beg for me to stake my identity in them, God comes in to remind me that none of that matters. 

While I feel berated with all of the baggage;  I have ADHD. My parents are divorced. I am not a spectacular student. I had eating disorder. I've hurt people I love. I can be selfish. I speak before I think. I have compromised my integrity. The list could go on forever. I have past and present struggles in which I could and sometimes do place my identity. Occasionally, I fall into the trap of mistaking what I have done with who I am. But none of those things are me because God redeems everything. 

The kick ass thing about God and grace and Jesus is nothing holds any power in my life anymore besides the fact that I am His.That's the thing about identity, when yours is in him nothing else really matters. When we're talking about eternity, who you were on the 17th of April in 2015 is irrelevant. Events of your past only define your today if you allow them to. Only what you accept as your truth becomes your truth. The past only becomes part of your identity when you allow it to seep into your heart and take up home in your thoughts.

His freedom is your freedom. His Grace is your Grace. His redemption is yours. His truth is your truth. Regardless. Choosing to accept his freedom, Grace, redemption and truth allows you to walk in his light without shame or guilt. I have the ability to decide where my identity is and I pick Him. I pick the redeeming, renewing gift that was won on the cross. I pick to be forgiven and shame free. I pick to be new, everyday. Not because I deserve it but because he freely gives it to me. The most fantastic thing about Grace is that it's free and it's yours too.

What they didn't tell me about attending a Christian College

This post is not intended to bash the institution I've called home the last four years. It is however intended to clear up common misconceptions parents and students have about schools like my own. These are wonderful schools with abundant opportunities and generally a well-received reputation. I know a number of graduating seniors this year who have their hearts set on colleges with strong Christian values and that's wonderful. However, a lot of them are disillusioned about what is ahead.

I've encountered a few myths and have received agreement from peers at my school and other Christian institutions on these beliefs. These are misconceptions that I want to shed some light on.

Myth #1: Christian Colleges safe-guard your faith.

You will be hard pressed to find an upperclassman at a Christian School that did not come into it thinking on some level that God would “just be there". There is this general assumption that your faith is strengthened by association. This could not be further from the truth. My faith slipped the most my first semester in college. If anything, lukewarm Christians are around every corner. There are a large number of students who have never been challenged in their faith or given the opportunity to grow. There are also a lot of students whose parents forced strongly encouraged they attend. You have to be just as intentional about your faith here as you would anywhere else- a school that makes you attend chapel twice a week is not an excuse to be apathetic in your relationship with Christ. You have to work for it, just like everyone else. If you are attending a Christian College partially because you think it will be easier to stick to your faith than a secular school- you are in for a rude awakening. 

Myth #2 Parties don't happen here.

This is far from the truth. Do they happen less? Well, of course. However, the drunken debauchery that occurs here are underground operations. I'm not at all implying I am a saint nor am I implying I've never broken the rules. However, the drinking and rule breaking that occurs here leaves a much more bitter taste in my mouth. I've partaken in these operations before and gotten caught. This opened my eyes to the fact that drinking/partying here isn't just a matter of dumb decisions, it's an integrity thing too. There's a level of deception that has to occur in order to get away with it. So yes, it happens less but when it does happen, it's hidden behind a good dose of lying and hiding. Which is better? Blatant partying or less but deceptive partying?  I'm not so sure.

Myth #3: The institution will run flawlessly according to your morals, values and convictions. This misconception seems to be more on the end of parents but I have heard the same complaints from opinionated students as well. There are many, many decisions my school and the leaders have made that are not necessarily what I would have chosen. However, I am confident that the students’ best interests and God’s will are always the center of each decision. There is a belief that because the school claims the Christian title it is not allowed room for error. We are flawed people and flawed people make up flawed institutions. Just as we are a body of believers, we are a body of sinners. Christian institutions are not perfect. If you know that at the heart of your institution are leaders with a heart for Christ, then that is the best you've got.

All of this being said there are a few things I was never told but am sure to tell everyone who asks;

My professors are top notch. Comparing stories with friends from state schools and friends from other Christian schools I have come up with one resounding consensus; professors from Christian Schools are one of a kind. There are exceptions to every rule, yes. But the environment encouraged by Christian Universities sets the stage for a unique student/professor relationship. The class sizes are small and there is not one professor I have had that does not know me by name. I am friends with almost all of my past (and some current) professors on facebook, I babysit for a few of them and have an all-around great relationship. These connections create a great learning environment, build professional connections for networking and future references and open the door for academic opportunities while still a student.

You do not pay the sticker price. I almost missed out on four of the best years of my life because the sticker price of these schools scared me off. The 45,000 dollar price tag is very intimidating but I am going to let you in on a secret of private schools (Christian and secular): grants and scholarships! Almost every student will get a grant, which is kind of like a scholarship without having to be a ‘scholar’ AKA there are no requirements. It’s basically free money. In addition to grants, most students get pretty big academic scholarships. Unlike grants, there are some GPA requirements to receive/keep these. The price you pay is normally about half of the estimate they give you. Which is still a lot, I know but that leads me to my next point…

You get what you pay for. These schools are expensive, yes. I KNOW. I work 4 jobs and full time all summer to afford it. Why? Because it’s worth it. These are phenomenal schools, with amazing staff/faculty and an extraordinary education. So I will leave you with this; 

I would make the same choice every time. If I was 17 year old Emily picking a college again, knowing what I know now,  I would do it again. Every time.

What myths or stereotypes have you heard about Christian Colleges?  

Uncertainty.

Recently, I have had an unsettled feeling within myself, a constant sense that the future is rapidly approaching. My typical demeanor is a relaxed one that radiates a ‘go with the flow’ attitude. I am armed with a laid back spirit that allows me to roll with the punches but also a fighter side that kicks in when necessary. However, as I watch my friends prepare for their future I find myself hitting panic mode. I recognize that my journey is slightly different than my peers in which I find myself taking a victory lap around the track of high education. (This wording is what I use to stomach the thought of the thousands of extra dollars I have to fork over)  

After my undergraduate, I have plans which at this point seem to align with God’s, to continue straight into my graduate work. This process is an open ended process which requires applications, standardized testing, interviews and a lot of essays. It also requires vulnerability, a willingness to move far away and a lack of certainty about my near future. As a young adult I have always had an underlying sense of security. There was always something or someone that provided a sense of structure in my life. While there have certainly been times where I have had to wholeheartedly rely on God to provide, this next venture is a unique level of abandonment and blind faith.

In this time I must accept that my next step may not be revealed yet, I must cling to God’s truth. I pray to hold in my heart the truth that my security does not come from a defined set of goals and outcomes. My security is hinged on the Great I am. I am held by the hands which hung the starts in the sky. I am known by the one who knows each of those stars by name. I have been called by name and created with a unique purpose (Isaiah 43:1) When I feel rattled by uncertainty, I am comforted. Not by the knowledge of how it will all work out but with the knowledge that it will all work out, that he works all things together for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) and that has plans for me, plans to prosper not to harm.  (Jerimiah 29:11) A midst this season uncertainty it is easy to lose alignment with God. When I find myself searching fervently for what is next, I must remember it is not about what I am doing but rather who I am doing it for. When I realign my heart, mind and goals with God I can rest in his truth.

In the meantime I will be searching for grad schools in the South because this 0 degree weather is clearly the work of the devil. 

God in the Moments

The question was posed to us by a typically inquisitive professor. Known by her students to be laid back and frequently play devils advocate. She often poses thought provoking conversation starters. This particular one was met with uncomfortable fidgeting and snickers from the room full of 20 something undergrads.

"What is the meaning of life?" 

We attempted half-hardheartedly to defend our thoughts on life and why we are all here. Our professor wrote the answers on the board- filling it with words such as happiness, success and security.Then on another board, slightly different words as Christ-likeness, discomfort, service. We became intertwined in a conversation of questions. When we will achieve happiness, what is our goal, what is our final destination? 

A friend from the back offered the question "What's the point?" in reference to school. Our professor seconded the question in a stronger more vivacious tone, as if each word was its own sentence; "What. is. the POINT?" I stayed out of the conversation until that point and interjected with an "AMEN"

As I reflected on the conversation, I began to realize our language seems to be so pointed at the assumption that we have a final destination. That we have a certain point or goal in which our lives will be deemed successful or complete once we reach it.

As I have continue this journey into adulthood I have realized that “What am I going to do with my life?” Is a much less important question than “What am I doing with my life right now?”

My next big goal is graduation. In May 2016, after a long, hard 5 years, I will finally graduate. When I think about the day I will walk across the stage and receive my diploma, I actually get chills. The thought of reaching that goal fills me with joy, gratitude and pride. But not because of the piece of paper I am receiving or even that the moment itself is so significant.

The significance lies somewhere else, in the years; the tears, the pain. The moments of almost giving up and the moments of bravely deciding not to. It is in the growing and stretching and molding. It is the friends I met and the ones I have lost. The lessons and the mistakes, it was the travelling and searching. The moments that asked questions and the moments that answered them. When I think about the significance of graduation, it is not the act of graduating but rather the hundreds of names, memories and feelings that come flooding back. It is the realization that I am an entirely different person going out than I was coming in; and that is a beautiful thing.

I have found that life is much less about the destination than it is about the journey. Life is not about reaching the milestones but about the miles it takes to get there. The feeling of success is not reaching a certain point but rather a collection of moments, people and feelings that make reaching that point feel so significant.

God is not only standing at a finish line or waiting in the day just after graduation to use me. No, God is also in the moments. He is in the snow falls and coffee dates. He is in the moments of pain and the moments of growth. He is there in the car rides and morning jogs. He is in every day and every interaction. When invited in, He is intimately involved in your minutes, hours and days. He is with you just as much as you walk to class as he is walking across the stage at graduation. God fills the moments and the memories just as much, if not more than the destination.

As the days become busy and I lose sight of the right now in the hope for tomorrow, I have to ask myself: Am I living the moments or using the days as a means to an end? 

Somewhere along the way this life became beautiful

There was pain, no doubt. Boredom? Of course. Frustration? Everyday. Anger? Sorrow? Discomfort? Hopelessness? Yes, yes, yes and yes.

But somewhere between the hugs and hand shakes. After all the tears or as a result of the tears, maybe. Somehow as the minutes ticked into hours and the hours into days, As calendar pages turned and the number at the end of the year went up, things changed.

Somehow, sometime, somewhere along the way- This life became unmistakably beautiful. Looking ahead, there was no map and the roads were dark. I did not know the way but I went. I went and I was not alone.

He was the lamp unto my path and the light unto my feet.

I did not understand then why we took this turn or missed that one. I could not see enough to know where the road led, who was up there and what must be left behind for good. Looking ahead, it was foreign. But looking back- Oh, it is quite the view.

In some ways the pain makes sense and the frustration was used to my benefit. My mistakes were used as lessons. The boredom urged me to do more and the discomfort challenged me to step out.  It all fits. Like a puzzle. It all works together to paint a bigger picture. I have reconciled with the ugly and come to terms with the broken. Where I have been makes where I am now that much more of a testament to God's unrelenting Grace. Despite it all, this life, by the Glory of God, became beautiful.

6 Bible Verses for Times of Stress and Uncertainty

It is finals week so what is better than bible verses about stress? Procrastinate a little and explore these verses. These are a few of my favorite verses that I have posted around and that I have memorized. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
{Philippians 4:6}

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
{Proverbs 3:5-6}

So be truly glad.There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while.

{1 Peter 1:6}

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
{2 Corinthians 12:10}

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
{Deuteronomy 31:8}

Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.
{Isaiah 60:20}

I feel different.

I have not written much concerning my trip to Honduras. It was the best week of my life. I was stretched and changed. I saw God in an entirely new light, I had not idea so much could happen in 10 days. But I cannot write about it, I cannot form the words I want to say. I cannot pin point it but I am different now. Something has changed, I have struggled and wrestled and fought with the words but they will not come out. I feel different. I look at life differently, I look at the church differently, I see international missions differently. I honestly cannot tell you what happened exactly but somewhere between taking off in Dulles airport on July 18th, 2014 and landing in the very same airport on July 26th 2014- Something was different, something inside of me had radically changed.

My heart was stretched and pulled and broken in so many ways I could never undo them nor do I want too. My heart is so radically different and I am trying desperately to untangle the webs of change that I have not yet been able to discern. As I untangle the knots and sift through the thoughts that flood me whenever someone asks me to tell them about the trip, I feel uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable. Guilty. Uneasy. Frustrated. 

These are the emotions that overtake me. When I think about what I saw, the children I held in my arms, the way so many people live with so much less than what I have. It makes me uncomfortable. When I walk out of my room in the morning with 3 pairs of boots asking my roommate to select the shade of brown that goes best with my outfit, I feel guilty. When I throw away food that went bad before I could get to it, I feel uneasy. And when I look around at the church I worship in, I feel frustrated.

It is not just my church frustrates me, it is the American Church or maybe the first world church. The fog machine and light show church. The broadway level worship productions. The committees that fight over budgets and propose capital campaigns for new pews and refinished stain glass windows. The churches that have so much and are still unhappy.

I do see things wrong in the church here, I do think we are not doing enough. I see overindulgence in unnecessary luxuries in the church while others are suffering to even have enough food. However, sometimes I wonder if the problem or the source of discomfort lies not with the church, but within myself.

Maybe it is a change in heart or calling. I never felt called to international mission, I had no interests and I am honestly not sure why I signed up but since the day we arrived, I made plans to go back.

Perhaps this time, this uneasiness, this period of spiritual anxiety is an urging from God to continue to pursue international missions, to go back to the place that changed me.

It is possible the discomfort I am experiencing here is to push me further from what was once my comfort zone and closer to the place I have seen God the most. The things I once clung to, now make me frustrated and guilty and maybe that is a sign.

I am working through the uneasiness, I am praying about the frustration and I am yearning for discernment. I just know that I feel different and I am not so sure I ever want to feel 'normal' again.

#foodlessfeast2k14

I am a youth leader at the church I attend while away at school. It is a big church with an equally as large youth group. I am the senior girls life group leader and they are all gems. This last weekend I participated in my second 'foodless feast' weekend.

In the weeks leading up to foodless feast the youth group goes about different methods of fundraising to raise money for different causes related to poverty, hunger and homelessness. Then as an act of awareness and perspective- we fast for 30 hours, do service projects at community organizations and top it all off by sleeping in card board boxes in mid-November!

We went to a women's shelter where we had to open up the cabinets and cook whatever we had. Naturally, I called my father who was a chef and he gave us instructions on what to do. It was a little cruel to have to prepare a meal in the hardest few hours of our fast. 

Next, we went back and constructed our adorable box shelter for the night. We won the award for most unique, durable and warmest. It's also pretty darn cute.

After serving a mystery meal to some paying church member we started playing catch phrase and heads up- which went as well as you can imagine playing a guessing game on no food. Eventually we bundled up in 27 thousand layers and headed out to our box homes. 

The night was not nearly as bad as I anticipated, which probably is not realistic. We survived the night and were all hungry and cranky come morning.

The best part of the weekend: The youth raised over 15,000 DOLLARS. 

As I reflect on the weekend, I'd like to mimic the prayer of some of our youth by saying; I am incredibly thankful that we have the resources and privilege to choose to go hungry. That in order to know what it is like to be poor and hungry, we have to willingly subject ourselves to it. I also hope and pray that this privilege does not slip through our fingers without realizing the enormous responsibility that comes with it.  

Homelessness is so much more than cardboard boxes and hunger. It's complex, it is multifaceted and it is devastating. We have the resources to do something about it. I am incredibly honored to know 75 high school students who are more than willing to step up and do what they can.  

Oh that God, there he goes again sending me into the next unexpected, unplanned or over-the-top adventure . Not even a year ago I began praying that God would 'lead me where my trust is without borders' and he led me onto a plane headed for Honduras, I waved to my comfort zone as we taxied down the runway.

Almost 4 months after the trip I reflect on my pre-trip concerns with an ear to ear grin. I spoke with disgust of travelers diarrhea and expressed fears about the language barrier. As I prepared to step outside my comfort zone I was undeniably terrified. The trip crept up and my fears got stronger. I was toeing the line of my little comfort box. All of the sudden the trip was the next box on the calendar and here I was boarding a plane to a foreign country. Little did I know I was about to leap out of that box, straight into the gracious arms of God.

I had diarrhea the whole time and the first 48 hours I tried to combat the language barrier by yelling everything I wanted to say. It was awful and hot and I questioned why in the world I signed up. The main leader got sick and it was all me that first day. I spent most of the day attempting to hide my frustration and the tears welling up in my eyes. The second day I lived on the toilet and did not want to eat a thing. I got bit by a tic and broke out in hives. There were good parts in those first few days but my attitude was quickly going South.

I prayed for a good attitude, hard stools and a break. Then God stepped in, he opened my eyes and showed me what I was missing. I stood hand in hand with the children and felt the pain that saturated the stories of their lives. I sang praises to God, a mixture of both languages raising up higher than the musty church building. I can still feel the arms of toddlers wrapped around my neck communicating more with our eyes than we ever will be able to with our words. Somewhere between the soccer games and Spanish songs, my life changed forever. It could have been the sight of 27 young hands raising up in proclamation to follow Jesus. It could have been the children chasing our bus as we drove away. It could have been the pain in their eyes or their refreshing thankfulness and graciousness that I have never seen in myself and I have so much more than them.

Regardless of what changed me, I was a radically different person getting off that plane than I was getting on, I came face to face with poverty and desperation I had never known; my hands were stained with the dirt of their country and I never want to wash them clean.Before I packed my bags to come home, I had my heart set on going back. Or more so I had my mind set on going back to get my heart because as we boarded the plane to return home, I ripped out my heart and sent it bouncing around in the dirt of the school yard.

Today, I got confirmation that I would be returning and I would be leading the returning youth team. My heart is full of anticipation and excitement. If a year ago today you were to tell me I would be willingly planning my second trip to Honduras, I would laugh at you. I had other plans. That is just it though- God heard my prayers and led me deeper than I ever would've gone. He led me off my path and right out of my little comfort box to a place where my trust had no borders. Praise him, for without that, I would have missed out on the best week of my life.

Where is my identity?

As a college student I'm involved in a lot of different things. I have 3 jobs, I'm in clubs, I'm on different committees, I'm involved in my church. I go to meetings, I go to work, I make important e-mails and phone calls. I meet with girls from youth group, I give advice, contacts parents. I do homework, write papers, study. I go to work, I go to class, I am all over the place. Lately, I have been getting enjoyment and fulfillment out of my commitments. I'm doing important things, I feel needed and I like that. It's left me questioning my motives and prayerfully considering;

Where is my identity? I desire for my identity to be found in the arms of Christ. For my importance to be found in His Will. For my foundation to be built on His good and holy name. I want 'Daughter of the King' to be the only title I find fulfillment in. I long for His name be the only name I seek and for anything I do be done for his glory and not my own. But that is not the case.
The path I'm taking is marked by God but if all else falls away- am I okay with simply being His? Am I living as though he is one part of my whole identity or the foundation on which all else is built? If every title, every relationship, every GPA point and excellent letter of recommendation were striped away would 'follower of Christ' as my identity be enough to satisfy me? Would I be able to dust myself off and continue because Christ is my foundation and he is unmovable?

The honest answer is no. 

I put a lot of pride into being liked, into being busy and to giving the persona that I do it all and rock at it. It's a fault and I often ask prayerfully- "Am I doing this because I feel God's leading or for my own pride and ego?" I need to take time to stop building my resume and start building my identity in Christ. I need to recognize that I will not always be a student or a nanny. As years pass I will drop those titles and pick up new ones. I will become a wife, I will become a mom, a therapist. Names, titles and commitments will come, go and morph as I grow and change,

but I will always be His.

I am a broken vessel

I am a broken vessel. I am entirely stained with mistakes and flaws. I speak out of line and I judge too harshly. I disregard God's word and doubt his promises. I blatantly put my needs first and ignore God's call to something else. I have stayed idle in my faith out of fear of rocking the boat, I have remained still when god's call is to "go". I am lukewarm in my faith simply because being on fire for God means being outrageously uncomfortable and unqualified. I am broken, flawed and completely imperfect. Despite everything that should be a disqualification for doing God's work- God has worked in significant and holy ways through me. God has and will continue to use my mistakes for his glory. God looked at the flaws, looked at the mess, look at the mistakes and said "I'll take it". For it is not through my perfection that I am used for God's glory. It is through his perfect love that my imperfect being can be used as a vessel for his good works. It is through humbly accepting the Grace for which I am so undeserving that I can be used as a power house for the kingdom of Christ. I myself am so unqualified to serve the King but he gave his life so that I may live abundantly. His only son died for my sins and that is all of the qualification I need. Christ's death gives hope as I strive to live in humility, to walk by faith and to love as Christ loved. Through perfect love and undeserved Grace I can rest in the arms of Christ despite my imperfections. I am a broken vessel but I am forever his and he will use me for his glory.

Grace

I've been thinking a lot about grace and forgiveness lately. I sometimes find myself in a trap of bitterness simply because I cannot forgive. I struggle with giving grace because all too often I feel as though they are not deserving.

That's just it though, the beautifully frustrating and confusing thing about grace: there's enough for everyone. I am quite pleased about that, I am in frequent need of God's grace. Though, it means God has just as much grace for my enemy's as he does for me. He gives freely his grace, forgiveness and redemption to those who have caused me deep pain, for those who have forgotten me, who have said they'd be they and left, for those who have said hurtful words, those who I have had to dig deep into myself to even think about forgiving.

It's frustrating and aggravating to know that they are still loved beyond measure. It's beyond human comprehension. The fact is hard but so beautiful because I've messed up too. I've hurt people that I love, I've forgotten people I promised to help. I stretch myself too thin and leave people out. I have been rude and down right mean. Yes, there are days when I feel I should be the one to hand out Grace but how many times would I be looked over if that responsibility were given to someone else? How times has someone had to find the strength in themselves to even think about forgiving me? I need God's grace and redemption everyday, so if I freely accept it- others deserve the same right. It's aggravating and frustrating but it's so so beautiful.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,

The first time I heard the song, “Oceans” by Hillsong United I fell in love. It’s a truly beautiful song but have you ever really listened to the lyrics? If you don’t want to be challenged or convicted, don’t. It is full of really big prayers. 

The line that gets me the most:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Lead me, WHERE EVER. No boundaries, God. Nothing in my life is off limits. Just go for it, take me where ever. I’m game. That’s a BIG prayer. Ehh, maybe; spirit lead me where I’m slightly uncomfortable but can easily step back into my box. Where my trust is without borders? Deeper than my feet could ever wander? That’s bold. I like borders, I like boundaries, and I like parameters— at least when I’m the one that sets them. There are a lot of places I don’t want to venture and things I don’t want to experience. Like the death of a loved one, an illness. Also on the list-- places without WiFi, flush able toilets and anywhere where cockroaches are considered even slightly normal. However, I prayed that God would take me where my trust had no borders and God answered, quickly. I asked him to take me where I wouldn't take myself and now this summer I will be travelling to Honduras for a mission trip. It’s not that I’m anti mission trip—I've been on two. Both of which were inside the United States, to New Orleans and Detroit. It’s easy to step out of your comfort zone a bit and serve when you’re still within familiar boundaries. Don’t get me wrong, I was 13 and 15 when I took these trips, they were challenging. I was without my parents and the youngest on the trip in both cases. Both places were totally different cultures and environments but…. Wall-Mart was right down the street and I had electricity and hot water—the whole time.

This time around, the accommodations are described as, “semi –modern, with electricity most of the time and hot water some of the time.” I don’t speak the language and I've never been out of the country, except for Canada which, besides the fact that their milk comes in bags, it’s basically the same place. So in honor of my first mission trip out of the country, God decided to go big or go home. I’m not just going on a mission trip, I’m going as a leader for the senior high team going. God not only led me to this trip, he’s having me lead others. Granted I’m not THE leader, (then I would start to question whoever approves these things God comes up with….)

In preparation for the trip we have regular meetings. Two weeks ago, I attended a retreat with the whole team. There are about 20 people going for the elementary ministry and a team from the church attending the DR as well. They told us things like, don’t drink the water and don’t touch the stray dogs. You can’t flush the toilet paper and sometimes people get travelers diarrhea. I spent that whole session trying to control my facial expressions.  Some aspects of the trip appear really uncomfortable or awkward. The language barrier and the fact that we’re staying in a motel that ‘occasionally’ has electricity, are some examples.

However, above all of this ‘noise’- I sat around the circle and felt nothing but peace and reassurance.  I was surrounded by adults and kids who heard God’s call and listened. They took seriously their call to spread the gospel to all nations. The senior high group has eight girls. When I was in 9^th grade, I took a hair straightener to church camp and straightened my hair using the generator, so these girls really impress me. These are big commitments, financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical commitments. I am so proud to be able to sit among teenagers, children and adults who are so in love with God and are willing to make these commitments.

This trip is a little out of my comfort zone—but that’s where God works best and I can’t wait.

And, here's the song in case any of you were curious; 

God's to-do list.

In high school, I was all over the place. By senior year I didn't even open my planner, the only time I studied was before finals, the only schedule I kept was for babysitting. I had such a fly by the seat of my pants attitude, it was a fault. I gave off a messy, uncaring attitude towards my time and others time. I was definitely a hot mess and not a good steward of my time. Time that wasn't actually mine in the first place.

Something about college changed me. Maybe it was the thousands of dollars of dollars I was handing over to the school, maybe it was the dramatic change to a competitive academic environment, maybe I had little maturing thrown in the mix. Whatever it was, I went organization, time management, to-do-list CRAZY.

It started with a detailed academic planner.

Then a detailed wall calandar.

Then a daily, weekly, and monthly to-do-list.

Then I colored coded my planner.

Then I adopted an entire new planner system, where I have almost every second of everyday mapped out.

I went overboard. I tried to schedule and color code things that can't be organized. We don't serve an organized, clean cut, color code system God. We serve an amazingly chaotic God. Who works last minute (in our limited minds).  who shows himself in sunsets, and cups of tea and babies laughs. Mini miracles, that I don't take into account on my to-dol-list.

God looks at my anal, meticulous planner and laughs. God cancels classes, and moves do dates and causes delays that mess with my little schedule and I have the audacity to believe it's not perfectly okay. 

While a level of maturity and organization is required as a college student, my prayer is that I can take it in strides. That I can stray my my time schedule if God is begging for time with me. Or better yet, I can hand over that (maybe slightly idolized) planner t the beginning of every day and say, 

"God you write my to-do list. I don't know where you're going today--but I'm going there with you."