Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,

The first time I heard the song, “Oceans” by Hillsong United I fell in love. It’s a truly beautiful song but have you ever really listened to the lyrics? If you don’t want to be challenged or convicted, don’t. It is full of really big prayers. 

The line that gets me the most:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Lead me, WHERE EVER. No boundaries, God. Nothing in my life is off limits. Just go for it, take me where ever. I’m game. That’s a BIG prayer. Ehh, maybe; spirit lead me where I’m slightly uncomfortable but can easily step back into my box. Where my trust is without borders? Deeper than my feet could ever wander? That’s bold. I like borders, I like boundaries, and I like parameters— at least when I’m the one that sets them. There are a lot of places I don’t want to venture and things I don’t want to experience. Like the death of a loved one, an illness. Also on the list-- places without WiFi, flush able toilets and anywhere where cockroaches are considered even slightly normal. However, I prayed that God would take me where my trust had no borders and God answered, quickly. I asked him to take me where I wouldn't take myself and now this summer I will be travelling to Honduras for a mission trip. It’s not that I’m anti mission trip—I've been on two. Both of which were inside the United States, to New Orleans and Detroit. It’s easy to step out of your comfort zone a bit and serve when you’re still within familiar boundaries. Don’t get me wrong, I was 13 and 15 when I took these trips, they were challenging. I was without my parents and the youngest on the trip in both cases. Both places were totally different cultures and environments but…. Wall-Mart was right down the street and I had electricity and hot water—the whole time.

This time around, the accommodations are described as, “semi –modern, with electricity most of the time and hot water some of the time.” I don’t speak the language and I've never been out of the country, except for Canada which, besides the fact that their milk comes in bags, it’s basically the same place. So in honor of my first mission trip out of the country, God decided to go big or go home. I’m not just going on a mission trip, I’m going as a leader for the senior high team going. God not only led me to this trip, he’s having me lead others. Granted I’m not THE leader, (then I would start to question whoever approves these things God comes up with….)

In preparation for the trip we have regular meetings. Two weeks ago, I attended a retreat with the whole team. There are about 20 people going for the elementary ministry and a team from the church attending the DR as well. They told us things like, don’t drink the water and don’t touch the stray dogs. You can’t flush the toilet paper and sometimes people get travelers diarrhea. I spent that whole session trying to control my facial expressions.  Some aspects of the trip appear really uncomfortable or awkward. The language barrier and the fact that we’re staying in a motel that ‘occasionally’ has electricity, are some examples.

However, above all of this ‘noise’- I sat around the circle and felt nothing but peace and reassurance.  I was surrounded by adults and kids who heard God’s call and listened. They took seriously their call to spread the gospel to all nations. The senior high group has eight girls. When I was in 9^th grade, I took a hair straightener to church camp and straightened my hair using the generator, so these girls really impress me. These are big commitments, financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical commitments. I am so proud to be able to sit among teenagers, children and adults who are so in love with God and are willing to make these commitments.

This trip is a little out of my comfort zone—but that’s where God works best and I can’t wait.

And, here's the song in case any of you were curious; 

Homesick.

Tonight, I am homesick. I say that often these days as I get back into the swing of this new semester. What does it mean? What is homesickness?  According to old Mr. Webster, it’s “a longing to return home. Thanks M dubs, very specific. That, kind sir, does not do justice to how I am feeling. Homesickness certainly feels like a whole lot more than a longing. Sometimes it feels so desperately overwhelming and trapping that I may do just about ANYTHING to get in my car and make the two hour trek home, even just to meet my best friend for lunch.

Homesick feels like an inward emotional sickness for the place I call home. Not just home though, it’s still so much more than that. It’s not so much a longing for a place or for my house. That’s just a building with four walls and windows and closets and doors. To me holds nothing of value on its own. It’s not so much longing for just my hometown either. That’s just a place with streets and turns and buildings and signs. No, to me, homesickness is the when I  look around to realize I am not home, I don’t feel at home and at that moment I cannot go home.

To me, Homesickness is when I realize that home is continuing and I cannot be there. I’m home sick for the moments. The ones that are simple and aren’t recognized for how big and precious they are until they pass or until I’m not there to live them. The moments that I will miss, oh, I’m so homesick for those. You take for granted how much happens in a day, a week, a month or a year until you miss it. I’m sick for the moments where people inevitably move on with their lives because let’s face it, the world stops for no one. Life will be lived whether or not I’m at home. I miss the coffee dates I won’t have, the meals I won’t be at, the pictures that I won’t be in, the inside jokes I won’t understand.

 These things sting to think about and I’m homesick for these things. The moments I have never experienced and will never experience with people that I love. Moments are happening, life is being lived and I am removed. I am away. It’s this longing, nagging feeling that won’t go away until I am there again. It’s a longing for people. For my people. I glance around this dingy dorm room with cinder block walls and ugly carpet and I feel so far away from my people. I’m homesick for my people. I’m homesick for the laughter. For the security of knowing I’m with the ones I love and they’re all right here, experiencing life with me or around me. I want moments to be happening and life being lived with me there not here. It’s the security of knowing I can grab my keys jump in the car and be with them in a matter of minutes.

Homesickness is a longing for something that cannot be replaced or replicated by what is here. No matter how much I love the ones around me. They aren't home base, they don’t know me the same way. They aren't my people. They’re people, and they’re really great people and I love them. But I’m home sick for something that can’t be replaced by them. For someone, for many someones, that can never be replaced. For little someones, for big someones, for my someones. No matter how many framed pictures of happy memories I have. No matter how many phone calls I make. No matter how many ‘I miss you’ text messages I get. I’m home sick for something that can’t be framed, or typed in a text, or explained on a phone call. I’m homesick for my people. I’m homesick for my someones. I’m homesick and I’m sad.

God's to-do list.

In high school, I was all over the place. By senior year I didn't even open my planner, the only time I studied was before finals, the only schedule I kept was for babysitting. I had such a fly by the seat of my pants attitude, it was a fault. I gave off a messy, uncaring attitude towards my time and others time. I was definitely a hot mess and not a good steward of my time. Time that wasn't actually mine in the first place.

Something about college changed me. Maybe it was the thousands of dollars of dollars I was handing over to the school, maybe it was the dramatic change to a competitive academic environment, maybe I had little maturing thrown in the mix. Whatever it was, I went organization, time management, to-do-list CRAZY.

It started with a detailed academic planner.

Then a detailed wall calandar.

Then a daily, weekly, and monthly to-do-list.

Then I colored coded my planner.

Then I adopted an entire new planner system, where I have almost every second of everyday mapped out.

I went overboard. I tried to schedule and color code things that can't be organized. We don't serve an organized, clean cut, color code system God. We serve an amazingly chaotic God. Who works last minute (in our limited minds).  who shows himself in sunsets, and cups of tea and babies laughs. Mini miracles, that I don't take into account on my to-dol-list.

God looks at my anal, meticulous planner and laughs. God cancels classes, and moves do dates and causes delays that mess with my little schedule and I have the audacity to believe it's not perfectly okay. 

While a level of maturity and organization is required as a college student, my prayer is that I can take it in strides. That I can stray my my time schedule if God is begging for time with me. Or better yet, I can hand over that (maybe slightly idolized) planner t the beginning of every day and say, 

"God you write my to-do list. I don't know where you're going today--but I'm going there with you."