Uncertainty.

Recently, I have had an unsettled feeling within myself, a constant sense that the future is rapidly approaching. My typical demeanor is a relaxed one that radiates a ‘go with the flow’ attitude. I am armed with a laid back spirit that allows me to roll with the punches but also a fighter side that kicks in when necessary. However, as I watch my friends prepare for their future I find myself hitting panic mode. I recognize that my journey is slightly different than my peers in which I find myself taking a victory lap around the track of high education. (This wording is what I use to stomach the thought of the thousands of extra dollars I have to fork over)  

After my undergraduate, I have plans which at this point seem to align with God’s, to continue straight into my graduate work. This process is an open ended process which requires applications, standardized testing, interviews and a lot of essays. It also requires vulnerability, a willingness to move far away and a lack of certainty about my near future. As a young adult I have always had an underlying sense of security. There was always something or someone that provided a sense of structure in my life. While there have certainly been times where I have had to wholeheartedly rely on God to provide, this next venture is a unique level of abandonment and blind faith.

In this time I must accept that my next step may not be revealed yet, I must cling to God’s truth. I pray to hold in my heart the truth that my security does not come from a defined set of goals and outcomes. My security is hinged on the Great I am. I am held by the hands which hung the starts in the sky. I am known by the one who knows each of those stars by name. I have been called by name and created with a unique purpose (Isaiah 43:1) When I feel rattled by uncertainty, I am comforted. Not by the knowledge of how it will all work out but with the knowledge that it will all work out, that he works all things together for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) and that has plans for me, plans to prosper not to harm.  (Jerimiah 29:11) A midst this season uncertainty it is easy to lose alignment with God. When I find myself searching fervently for what is next, I must remember it is not about what I am doing but rather who I am doing it for. When I realign my heart, mind and goals with God I can rest in his truth.

In the meantime I will be searching for grad schools in the South because this 0 degree weather is clearly the work of the devil.