Recently I was in line at the grocery store, behind me was a frazzled looking young mom. She had an infant in the front of the cart going clinically crazy about being in a car seat, a rather belligerent 2 year old throwing cans of soup at the candy display. Then were blood curdling screams that would give the HULK a run for his money coming from her pint sized princess clad preschooler. Mini Elsa was standing about 6 feet behind her mom yelling "DONT WEAVE MEEEEE MAAAAAAAHHHM" and mom calmly says, "then walk with me, I am getting I line." I hear her state under her breathe- "You don't understand if you don't have kids." I'm not sure who it was intended for but it's not the first time it's been implied that I have absolutely no possible clue what it could ever be like to even be in the same room as a child unless I have produced one in my own uterus.
In some ways frazzled grocery store mom is right, being a parent is something that can only be fully understood by another parent. But in other ways she's so, so wrong.
No, I do not understand fully, I don't have my own kids. I've never grown a life inside my own body. I've never given birth to said life. And I've never been put in charge of said life's growth and making sure said life doesn't die. No, I don't know the day in, day out challenges of life with loud, sticky and stubborn little people.
I don't understand it all but I've seen it.
I've seen inside your home. I am your babysitter, your mothers helper, your nanny- Whichever title I took for your family. I've seen what your life is like. I've seen behind the scenes of the grocery store throw down. I know what happened leading up the point of complete and utter chaos in the walmart aisle.
I don't understand, but I know;
I know dressing your two year is similar to wrestling an octopus into a bag...with a baby on your hip.
I know getting your squirming, screaming 8 month old in the car seat takes so much energy, the idea of an infant stray Jacket sounds less inhumane each time.
I know the arguing and rationalizing it took to get your 5 year old out of a cow girl hat, a bathing shit and a tutu. I know that after wrestling her out of that she promptly picked out a princess dress so you gave in and thought "screw it, wear the Elsa dress."
I know that having kids can sometimes feel like living with pint size dictators who eat your food and watch you while you pee.
Do I understand it all? No. But do I see it? And do I know? Yes.
I know it's hard. I know it's tiring. It's hard, mom. And you're doing fantastic job.
Judging by the noise your kids are still alive- so kudos for that. And you're at the grocery at the grocery store- so obviously they get fed. They look moderately clean- so you bathe them at least sometimes. And they're cute too. No, frazzled grocery store mom, I may not Understand, but I see and I know- You're doing a good job, mom.
Oh, and I know a great babysitter for next time you need to go to the store, give me a call.
In an attempt to make myself blog more often I am going to take the #100daysofhappy challenge to the blog world. 100 day, 100 happy things. Ready, GO!
100 Days of Happy; Unexpected Friendships
Do you ever have those people you meet and you think, "I just know we're going to be friends". Then you have those friendships where you look at and think, "I never in a million years thought we'd be this close" Yet you are, and oh, are you so glad. My heart is happy today for friends I never thought would be friends, let alone in some ways just like family. My best, basically twin so alike in every way, friend, Gwyn is my favorite unexpected friend. We look at each other so many times in our friendship and say, "I never thought we would be friends but I really never thought we'd be THIS close." If you know us, you know we're twins. Gwyn is my 'conversation with just a look' friend. My' your hair looks ugly, fix it' friend. My 'I don't care what you've done I'll always be there for you' friend. My see each other everyday or once a year and nothing has changed friend. My 'what were you thinking why did you date him' friend. My thick and thin, high or low, near or far, no matter what, always there friend. Today I am happy for unexpected friendships because sometimes what you expect least is what you need most.
I've been thinking a lot about grace and forgiveness lately. I sometimes find myself in a trap of bitterness simply because I cannot forgive. I struggle with giving grace because all too often I feel as though they are not deserving.
That's just it though, the beautifully frustrating and confusing thing about grace: there's enough for everyone. I am quite pleased about that, I am in frequent need of God's grace. Though, it means God has just as much grace for my enemy's as he does for me. He gives freely his grace, forgiveness and redemption to those who have caused me deep pain, for those who have forgotten me, who have said they'd be they and left, for those who have said hurtful words, those who I have had to dig deep into myself to even think about forgiving.
It's frustrating and aggravating to know that they are still loved beyond measure. It's beyond human comprehension. The fact is hard but so beautiful because I've messed up too. I've hurt people that I love, I've forgotten people I promised to help. I stretch myself too thin and leave people out. I have been rude and down right mean. Yes, there are days when I feel I should be the one to hand out Grace but how many times would I be looked over if that responsibility were given to someone else? How times has someone had to find the strength in themselves to even think about forgiving me? I need God's grace and redemption everyday, so if I freely accept it- others deserve the same right. It's aggravating and frustrating but it's so so beautiful.
My best friend, Gwyn and I are basically the same human being. We're on the same wave length at all times and sometimes it's freaky how we're thinking the exact same thing. We've been coined the nickname "Gwemily" because we're a package deal. Except for when we're not a package deal because we go to school four hours apart. Don't you worry though, we have a solid two visit per semester schedule worked out. We often think we deserve our own TV show because we're hilarious but I'm not sure everyone else feels the same way. Here's an example of the latest Gwemily Dilemma:
To buy the Emily portion of Gwemily a coffee mug as part of her birthday present or not:
Sunday morning, I was grumpy after being woken up SUPER early by a wide eyed child (although he is super cute). Then, I remembered it's mothers day and I was reminded of my mother and how I kept my mama up for basically my first year of life with an ear infection, all of the times I keep her up by coming in late and all of the times I woke up waaaaay too early. (Then I also remembered she used to tell me it was too early to wake up and sent me back to bed, so I did the same thing) Thanks to my wonderful mother for everything she does and all the sleep she lost because of us. I Iove you! Happy Mother's Day to all of the mamas in my life!
The first time I heard the song, “Oceans” by Hillsong United
I fell in love. It’s a truly beautiful song but have you ever really listened to the lyrics? If you
don’t want to be challenged or convicted, don’t. It is full of really big
prayers.
The line that gets me the most:
Spirit lead me where
my trust is without borders.
Lead me, WHERE EVER. No boundaries, God. Nothing in my life
is off limits. Just go for it, take me where ever. I’m game. That’s a BIG prayer.
Ehh, maybe; spirit lead me where I’m
slightly uncomfortable but can easily step back into my box. Where my trust
is without borders? Deeper than my feet could ever wander? That’s bold. I like
borders, I like boundaries, and I like parameters— at least when I’m the one
that sets them. There are a lot of places I don’t want to venture and things I
don’t want to experience. Like the death of a loved one, an illness. Also on
the list-- places without WiFi, flush able toilets and anywhere where
cockroaches are considered even slightly normal. However, I prayed that God
would take me where my trust had no borders and God answered, quickly. I asked
him to take me where I wouldn't take myself and now this summer I will be
travelling to Honduras for a mission trip. It’s not that I’m anti mission
trip—I've been on two. Both of which were inside the United States, to New
Orleans and Detroit. It’s easy to step out of your comfort zone a bit and serve
when you’re still within familiar boundaries. Don’t get me wrong, I was 13 and 15
when I took these trips, they were challenging. I was without my parents and
the youngest on the trip in both cases. Both places were totally different
cultures and environments but…. Wall-Mart was right down the street and I had
electricity and hot water—the whole time.
This time around, the accommodations are described as, “semi –modern,
with electricity most of the time and hot water some of the time.” I don’t
speak the language and I've never been out of the country, except for Canada
which, besides the fact that their milk comes in bags, it’s basically the same place.
So in honor of my first mission trip out of the country, God decided to go big
or go home. I’m not just going on a mission trip, I’m going as a leader for the
senior high team going. God not only led me to this trip, he’s having me lead others. Granted I’m not THE
leader, (then I would start to question whoever approves these things God comes
up with….)
In preparation for the trip we have regular meetings. Two
weeks ago, I attended a retreat with the whole team. There are about 20 people
going for the elementary ministry and a team from the church attending the DR
as well. They told us things like, don’t drink the water and don’t touch the
stray dogs. You can’t flush the toilet paper and sometimes people get travelers
diarrhea. I spent that whole session trying to control my facial expressions. Some aspects of the trip appear really
uncomfortable or awkward. The language barrier and the fact that we’re staying in a motel that ‘occasionally’ has electricity, are some
examples.
However, above all of this ‘noise’- I sat around the circle
and felt nothing but peace and reassurance.
I was surrounded by adults and kids who heard God’s call and listened.
They took seriously their call to spread the gospel to all nations. The senior
high group has eight girls. When I was in 9th grade, I took a hair
straightener to church camp and straightened my hair using the generator, so
these girls really impress me. These are big commitments, financial, spiritual,
emotional, and physical commitments. I am so proud to be able to sit among
teenagers, children and adults who are so in love with God and are willing to
make these commitments.
This trip is a little out of my comfort zone—but that’s
where God works best and I can’t wait.
And, here's the song in case any of you were curious;
Four and a half years ago, I swore I never wanted to grow
up. Sixteen was the perfect age. I
constantly claimed I wanted to stay ‘here’ forever. Adults in my life would
grimace and shake their heads, “it gets so much better.” No way, I thought. Why would I want to grow up? I could drive, I had my own car. Well, a 15 year
old purple mini-van with my parents’ initials in airbrushed hearts on the front
license plate. But much to my siblings dismay I had complete and total access
to it. I could do basically anything but had very little responsibility and A
LOT of disposable income. I had a lot of freedom but none of the adult things like mortgages and e-mail addresses that didn't have your favorite band or celebrity crush in it.
Come senior year, college decision and graduation—I was just
not having this whole grown up thing.
I went to college kicking and screaming. I was terrified. How can I become a
fully functioning self-reliant adult? Yeah, I said I was independent but in reality my mom still did my laundry
and made my doctors’ appointments. Despite having a dad for a chef, scrambled
eggs and Kraft mac and cheese were about the top of my culinary abilities. I
had such a strong connection to my church and community—I was constantly
holding somebodies baby or eating dinner with somebodies family. I had a
crammed schedule and was 100% comfortable where I was at in life. Living away
from the known of my hometown was too
much to think about.
However, I went to school and I managed to survive. Slow to
warm up to the process, but eventually I learned to love it. It took dropping out and going back, but with 4
semesters under my belt and one underway- I can say I’ve more than adjusted. I’ve
made a new home away from home. I’ve found my niche’ and I love it. We can
forget that my mom still does my laundry and if it weren’t for HIPPA laws, she’d
still be calling the doctor for me too. For some minor reason, like identity
fraud or something else insignificant, she won’t call and pretend to be me… but
that’s a different story. I still managed to not only survive but thrive. Although I suffer from the occasional
homesickness, I still love college. I love the community I built. I’m
surrounded by fabulous ladies that carry me through every day. I have people to
stand in the gap and help me do what I cannot do. I have a fantastic church
family and built a new babysitting ‘business’. I fell in love with a new town, I never new I had so much room left in my heart.
College is hard. Classes are hard. I've been challenged in
so many uncomfortable ways and as a result I’ve grown into a person I never
would've expected. I've failed, but I got up and I tried again. I came to terms
with the fact that things don’t always go as planned. I've had to leave school
and be told I would never return. I returned and proved the critics wrong. I
defeated the challenges laid before me. I learned the value of working hard for
my money and working hard for my education. I've proven that I cannot only attempt
45+ hour work weeks and a full course load, but kick butt doing it. I've shown myself that I can be a good student; I am not doomed to the bad student label I
had adopted years ago. I have learned what it means to be a friend and have a
friend. I felt the pain of betrayal. I've been faced with the decision of
abandoning friendships with no new ones in sight, but made the decision anyway.
I've in turn been blessed with a group of friends that I couldn't have picked
out better myself. I've discovered the
value of making mistakes and the value of owning your past. I learned the
importance of accepting consequences. I taught myself to be comfortable with
other people disliking you and not needing a reason why. I was taught that
sometimes you have to put yourself first. I've seen first-hand how it feels to
do so. Somewhere along this way I grew into this adult that has a budget occasionally makes responsible decisions. Not to brag, but I'm proud of where I am.
I've written this
whole new chapter in my life that never would be, had I been too scared to
venture beyond the city limits. I have been faced with adversity and instead of
letting it chase me in the opposite direction; I stood eye to eye with it. I
realized it wasn't so big and scary after all and I simply kept walking.
Somewhere along the way from middle school to here I blinked and all of a sudden I was classified as an adult. I used to measure being an adult by whether you have a salary and you pay your own phone bill. Somehow those requirements were waived for me, and here I am. I'm teetering between college age and full adulthood. I now stand in a spot where I’m terrified of what the
future holds but I won’t let that stop me. I almost let the fear of the unknown
hold me back before and
